Happy Fatherless Day My Sweet

Abandonment

I may joke, and laugh when a friend tells me 'Happy Fathers Day' because I am THE most rocking single mom on the planet, but my heart still aches for the things my daughter will not know, namely the love of her father.

The father of a child, the first role model of what a person, what a father, what a man should be.  My daughter does not know these things.  She knows of emptiness, longing, sadness, confusion.  Why did daddy go?

Nine years ago, my daughter's father left.  More than just physically, but emotionally left and never looked back.  I spent many years shielding my daughter from the truth about her father, mostly because I didn't want her to feel about him the way I did.  Who was I to taint her view of this man?  The times he left her at daycare, made up reasons for why he never called.  She revered him, looked up to him, this figure of a man she never really knew.  I let her, because who was I to criticize the man who gave me her?  I soaked up her anger for years, and took the blame for his departure.  If she had to hate someone, I guess I could shoulder that too, even though it wasn't my responsibility to bear the burden.  Why did you make him leave mommy?

Many people would tell me I am lucky, that he left and is not involved in my life anymore.  But am I lucky, really?  Who had to hold the child when she first came to realize her father does not care about her?  The raw pain and devastation, to be completely disregarded by your source in life.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  The opportunity to witness the loss of childhood innocence in a cruel world.  Parenting really bites at times.

Is there anything that can fill the void?  No, there is not.  She will have this with her, always.  But as a mom, I am doing my best to teach her how to manage through life, through disappointment, through pain.  To teach her that I was abandoned, but that is OK, I am still loved and lovable even if I feel incomplete.

My daughter still tells me I should date more, find a man to be a husband to me and a father to her, and maybe some day I will find someone who wants to blend lives, but he will never be a replacement.  It really isn't my goal, and it isn't the place of a man to step into a role that has long since been empty.  For if I will teach my daughter anything, it is that she is fine and loved the way she is, and that it is OK to be fatherless.

So Happy Fatherless Day my sweet.  As we enjoy our family of two, and reminisce about things past but plan for things future.  It is OK to cry over your daddy, my sweet.  I am not jealous, I understand your heart aches and will always ache.  I love you as you are.  You are OK in my book and always will be.

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