There are some who believe I shouldn't talk about my mental illness or the fact I am undergoing electroconvulsive therapy (ECT or shock therapy).
I spent over a week in the hospital under observation. Should it be a secret that I was in the behavioral health unit instead of in the intensive care unit? It shouldn't make a difference, why I was in the hospital, but it does. Would anyone mock me if i had lost a leg instead of my my mind? Should I feel like I need to apologize because my 'illness' isn't socially acceptable? Have you ever considered how I feel about this 'disability' of mine? Would it surprise you to know that I am embarrassed by my condition? Oh how I wish I could just snap out of it, or suck it up. But there are limitations my friend.
My disease is chronic, it is also treatment resistant. I am envious of those who take antidepressant medications and see a benefit. Each month my healthcare provider and I decide which route to take with my medications. I take some pretty high dosages of multiple medications. Why, one would think I should be shooting rainbows out my ass I am so heavily drugged on 'happy' pills. But alas, no rainbows. And I have failed yet another medication trial. I am even responding painfully slowly to my non-medication alternative...ECT. Although, I did dance out of anesthesia yesterday, so that must mean progress.
I have such conflicted feelings about ECT. I think I even have some PTSD from it, having woken up from a hypnotic state mid-procedure. I pissed on myself that day as well. And have flashbacks of the nurses putting in my dental bite block in preparation for the seizure. Now tell me again how my disease is embarrassing you? I pissed my pants. But I trudge through and three days a week I undergo a procedure that literally scares the piss out of me. I hate my treatments. But without them I have thoughts of killing myself and all but refuse to eat or drink.
But this is my illness, and I will talk about it if I so choose. Stigma be damned.
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